Dirt Hole Journal Day 2 (of 5)

This is the second day journal entry of my experience of living in a dirt hole that these posts recount:

Dirt Hole Crash Pad Part 1:

https://gabfrab.wordpress.com/2011/03/22/dirt-hole-crash-pad/

Dirt Hole Crash Pad Part 2:

https://gabfrab.wordpress.com/2011/03/25/dirt-hole-crash-pad-part-2-of-2/

Probably should read them before reading this. The unabridged (minus small sentence structure, grammar, and word changes) journal is a supplementary piece of material to those more essential posts.

Note: Anytime you see (Note: Sample Words) is the present me commenting on the journal.

And now…

Dirt Hole Journal Day 2:


Well it’s my second day out here. I’ve just gotten up for the day and it’s around 5:20 PM. I’ll talk about last night and that should help explain why I’ve slept so late. So last night I got a pretty good fire going and lay by it for a good long time — maybe two hours. During that time I pretty much lay thinking in my head about an assortment of things, random thoughts that came in and out awash on my Red River brain tide.

I’ve sort of had a problem with stupid Vanessa scenarios. Like just fake conversations with her that are about nothing. Nothing sexual! These happen when I start to daydream and I don’t realize it. Once I do I make myself stop. I feel nothing towards these thoughts, I just hope they go away. (Note: Apparently I was still having a lot of trouble dealing with how our relationship ended even though at this point we’d been split over a year and I hadn’t seen her in the meantime. Not sure if I’ve mentioned it elsewhere but I haven’t seen her since even before we broke up since she did it via email.)


Other than those I simply lay by the fire, thinking and picking up fine dirt in a fist, pressing it between my palm and fingers, then slowly loosening my fingers from my palm to let the soil filter out onto my arms or stomach. It works like a grate or strainer. I guess it felt really good, almost like hair sweeping lightly across the surface of my skin. It was NICE. I haven’t been touched by a girl in so long.

Another thing I noticed was the structure of the trees above me. (I should note that I was shirtless while laying down and would use my maroon shirt as something to put my hand down on, like a sheet, not scrunched like a pillow.) Anyway, yeah I found the structure of the trees to be interesting, With some of the larger trees it might be all trunk for fifty feet, and then all of a sudden it explodes out with branches like crazy. And the branches have branches and those have branches, like an exponential number or something. I guess normally when you walk around a thick woods you just see the trunks of those larger trees. I don’t look up and notice their crazy hairdos. Two large trees each have (I thought I felt a bug crawling on my balls so I itched and I guess there’s no bug) their trunks starting about twenty feet on either side of me, but they have branches and leaves that intersect like two hands with their fingers connecting in each others’; open slots like a Linkin log or a Lego. Those two trees give me great shade.

My campsite is seriously pretty much all that I could hope for except I wish more trees would block me from the field, though it’s doubtful anyone would ever see me. Two planes flew overhead today, I saw neither but heard both. I also believe I have been hearing Xouirteeee barking. (Note: Xouirteeee is my crazy mini American Eskimo dog. Like she has legit mental problems and is on anti-depressants for her rage.) Half a mile away and I can still hear her defending the gates of the Devine castle. Oh what a silly dog. I guess mostly all that separates my house from the woods I’m in is a large empty field.

I think I have to take a shit and my balls are sore, probably from sleeping on my stomach. Anyway, back to sounds and last night. I was enjoying the fire and me being paranoid me, I thought I began to hear animal noises. I’ve been hearing shit on the water like fish jumping and other shit, but these sounds were coming from the woods, like branches breaking. Also the birds sometimes make noises that would spook any camper, like them flying through the trees. Sounds to my paranoid mind like an animal getting ready to attack.

As I lay by the fire it sounded like the noises were getting closer and closer so I was like fuck this and decided to crawl in the tent in the hole. Oh yeah, I dug the hole last night. It’s about three feet deep and the length of my body. Since the tent isn’t assembled it just lies contoured to the hole, and is like crawling into a breathable Ziploc bag full of peanut butter. (Man I wish I was getting a massage right now.) So anyway I got in and zipped the screen entrance back up. The part of the hole where I put my head is higher than where my body went and so it was like sleeping on an uneven incline.

When I dug the hole it was nice but I was like nah I’ll dig it deeper. As soon as I did the dirt changed from being almost as fine as sand to being heavy, wet, and mucky. Wasn’t able to scoop much out of this heavy stuff and that’s how things got uneven and short. The width of the hole easily lets me lay down and do at least a half turn to either side. So anyway I crawled in. The tent pressed against my body. Laying there was uncomfortable but I thought I’d be able to sleep. Was having some trouble breathing because the tent was so compressed and my chest was pushed against the ground. It felt like trying to breathe with a cold, but I fixed it by having my head occasionally turning my head from right to left so I could catch a fresh packet of air.

Laying there my paranoia and the night sounds got the best of me. Heard dirt falling into the hole and what must have been a dragonfly buzzing and bumping into my tent. Felt scared from this because the sound amplified in the tent. Then I thought I heard something crawling outside of my hole. My entire body began to shake, not from the cold but from the fear of the sound. I was barely breathing and when I did I took short quiet breaths. This whole being scared of noise probably went on and off for at least an hour and my body began to shake uncontrollably several times.

Found out that many of the noises were just me moving around in my tent. Kind of doubt there was an animal here but I did hear something that sounded like my juice bottles tipping. (Note: Apparently predatory animals are mainly interested in peach mango juice from the bottle.) But I can’t be sure of anything. All I know is that I was fucking scared and really wanted to leave the tent bag/know if there was actually anything at camp. I wondered if I could walk back to the house zipped inside the tent and whether I’d be attacked if I did that.

Daytime here is nice. Noises don’t scare me at all like they might if I was normally out on a walk or hike. I guess I’m becoming accustomed, but yeah, night sucks. My night did not get better after the fear of noises incident. I’d been semi warm before but now was freezing cold. Bringing no blankets, coats, or sweaters was definitely a mistake. Spent most of the night having the upper half of my body freeze. My legs seemed fine. I was pretty depressed from the cold at night and kept on thinking that I could leave right now. Fear of what might be outside was some of the reasons I stayed in the tent. I do intend on staying out here all eight nights, but I despise people who do things/can’t admit they’re wrong because of pride. I’m doing this because I want to but I won’t be staying if I’m about to die or some shit. (Note: I have a tendency to be over dramatic in nearly every aspect of my existence.)

Anyway yeah I put my head and arms in my t-shirt and curled up and rubbed my body to try not be cold. Sometimes my body was numb and I couldn’t really feel the pain of it, though most of the time I could feel it. I drifted in and out of sleep a few times but spent more than half of it awake, just waiting for sunrise, the Gnarls Barkley lyric “just waiting for that old sun to rise” continually played though my head. Yesterday some Boy Least Likely To tunes (Note: The Boy Least Likely To’s Best Party Ever album was my summer jam in 2006) played in my head to keep me company.

The sun did crack but I stayed in the tent a bit longer until there was some real light not just dawn. Tent accumulated some moisture from the night as I could feel a wet coldness. Peeked my head out and didn’t see any animals so I went and picked some dry grassy shit off a tree and threw it on the ash of the night’s fire along with some paper. Oh yeah I slept with a water bottle in the tent and kept on imagining walking around and fighting off animals with the tent over me like a shield and the bottle as my sword. The fire got going without a match because the coals were hot. Used a match to light a piece of paper anyway. Drug up some wood to put on the fire then lay next to it. The warmth from the fire after that terrible night was better than most any orgasm.

Lay on the ground by the fire, thinking and looking at the they trees for at least an hour. Then decided to sleep and did for probably nine hours — just laying in the dirt with that long sleeved work shirt as only thing between my head and the ground. Woke up a few times but rolled around until I fell back asleep. Had a dream I was getting an apartment with six other people but like nine applied and Tami (Note: A professor of mine) was the one choosing who’d live with who and I got in but Will (Note: Future roomie, then best friend) didn’t and I didn’t really know anyone there. We had seven connected rooms that led to a hallway and I’m pretty sure those black girls, Maria and that one from ISP, were there (Note: No clue who the girls I’m referencing are). In fact she was the one who was like it was my idea to live here so I get to. Dang bitch. I remember being conflicted because Will couldn’t be there. Also had a dream about being at the lunch line and they were shutting it down and nothing really was left to eat.

I finally woke up today and the fire was out. I drank some water; stretched because my entire body is sore and aching. Took some pictures. Drank some juice which was nice but it made me feel like I had to crap. Other than that I just journaled. I was going to swim today but it was a little cool with a breeze and when it did warm up I decided I was too sore. The sun is kind of blocked by the tress right now and it’s cooling down. I want to take a hike, gather wood, and make the dummy tonight. Maybe inventory but probably tomorrow. Not much has changed, I’m still lazy and since I have no deadlines I’m getting nothing done. I also don’t feel very inspired for any writing or anything. Hopefully that’ll change. Anyway I feel kind of tired, probably from sleeping all day and not eating for at least thirty two hours.

Do hope I get a hike in but right now I’m going to lay for a bit because I feel weak. To combat the cold I plan on wearing socks, my long sleeve shirt, and I’m going to try wrap my body in toilet paper for some insulation. Also, after stretching, my body feels better but still very sore. Oh I can hear Xouirteeee bark now. I love that dog. Oh yes also I called mom’s cell phone and left a message. I didn’t want to hear human voices but I have to let them know. (Note: I forgot that I agreed to leave my parents a voicemail once a day to let them know I was alright.) At least I was just talking into a mahcine and not to a person. Okay, going to lay down now.

It’s a few hours later now. I’m currently wearing the paper Hugo’s bags as my clothing. I am wearing the top half which is like an armor plate and I’m pretty much just sitting on the bottom part. It ripped when I first tried it on at the house, so yeah I might make a new one tomorrow. When I stood up a minute ago it stuck to my ass because my ass was sorta sweaty. I’m not wearing any underwear so my penis is exposed to nature. My penis and legs are in plain sight though my ass is sitting so only the chair and bag can see that right now. I don’t feel ridiculous in this suit, but I’m sure I look it. I am guessing I look like a homeless version of Kryten from Red Dwarf.

I’m at least six miles away and can hear the train in Manvel. (Note: Manvel, North Dakota is my hometown. ‘Tis a quaint little town with its share of meth, drunks, murderers, and grain elevators. I suggest you move there.) Can’t remember hearing it at home in years. Guess I was never paying attention. I won’t say that I feel attuned with nature right now, but I do feel pretty peaceful. This trip is about discovering and tormenting myself. Nature just happens to be a good place to do it. I am scared of wild animals and shit which is why I was so freaked out last night but I’ve felt calm around camp. I think the fears are going away.

I also don’t seem to be bothered by not having electronic shit around, mainly the computer. Normally I spend a ton of time on Xanga and Facebook and the forums, but it hasn’t bothered me that I can’t do that. (Note: Even a few days would be the most I’d ever gone without the internet at that point. To this day, ten is about the most I’ve ever gone without it. It’s an addiction that has crippled friendships and relationships of mine and severely affected parts of my life in negative ways. So continue to support my problem by reading this blog, folks.) When I was thinking earlier about what I want to do as soon as I get home I thought that I would probably want to check Facebook and Xanga first. Maybe by the end of this trip I won’t feel that. (Note: Nope.)

I really do feel at peace. Last night when I was scared I kept thinking “why didn’t I just lock myself in my room for a week since this is supposed to be an experience mainly of my mind and isolation.” Well obviously I know now that the woods is the perfect place for isolation. I don’t live a stressed out life. I’m almost always feeling relaxed but this brings it to an even greater level. I don’t think I’ve felt bored at all today, though all I’ve done is lay and think random nothings and go for a hike. Nature is good because I don’t have the distractions I would at home. Here I can think though I don’t feel like I have a whole ton to think about. Maybe my life I guess. I’m content with just thinking whatever pops in my head. (My body feels slimy from my sweat.)

A few things have surprised me. There’s been no mosquitoes or at least hardly any. I have had various bugs crawl on me when napping in the dirt, but it hasn’t been a big deal. It’s been nearly thirty six hours since I’ve eaten but I don’t feel hungry. Maybe it’s because I’ve been laying and relaxing a lot, but I never do shit at home and I’m always eating. All I’ve had today is a bottle and a half of water and most of a 46 oz. peach mango fruit drink which wasn’t bad, even if it was kind of warm.

After stretching earlier my body hasn’t felt to sore, or at least no more than I’ve gotten accustomed to from sleeping on the cot in the basement for three weeks. (Note: I think my older sister and her family were visiting at the time, and whenever that happens I’m shunned to sleep in the basement on whatever shitty bed my mom assembles. Last summer it was a Velcro couch that fell apart on my every night.) I went for a hike earlier. Was probably out a good forty five minutes to an hour, though I did spend fifteen on a bank looking over to Minnesota. Looked at the trees there and they were cool but I’m still much more fascinated by laying under them and looking at their branch structure. I guess I didn’t pay attention to the trees when I was hiking. I was living in my mind most of the hike. Maybe I just need to not be moving and empty headed to really notice nature, I don’t know.

Hike was cool and peaceful. The backs of my heels are sore so wearing my shoes kind of hurts but it wasn’t bad. (Note: I had thrown my shoes in a fire for fun and now they were all melted and painful to wear since plastic in the heels dug into me.) I hope they don’t blister. I only wore my shoes when I hiked and when I collected wood today so hopefully my heels will heal up nice. Was also looking across the river for a spot to go swim over to but didn’t I didn’t see anything great. I really hope I swim over tomorrow though I’ll pretty much just have to sit there once I’m over since I can’t bring shoes.

Also on my hike I got dangerously close to the very edge of the tree line, but I managed not to walk into the field. At least on the North Dakota side I won’t want to leave the woods. Oh yeah I was like a mile from home on the hike and could hear Xouirteeee bark. I guess sound really carries. Hearing her makes me feel like I have a companion out here. I’m always so alone, not just in the woods but in general, so any company is always welcome.

My body doesn’t really doesn’t really feel tired though in a few days I’ll probably only be able to lay around camp and nothing more. Earlier I felt dizzy but after juice and hiking I felt fine. I gathered wood after the hike. It’s getting to be dusk now. I’m going to change back into my pajamas and lay down after I feed the fire. I hope sleeping isn’t a nightmare again. I plan on wrapping myself in toilet paper. Okay, night.

Your Dog Loving Narrator, GABFRAB:

P.S. Not much to say about this one. Really nothing happened. It was interesting to see that talking to Vanessa was still affecting me a lot even though I’d had a great year at college, made lots of new friends, and felt like I was over her. I guess your emotions can be hard to predict in those situations and you don’t know how you’ll feel until it happens. Thankfully it doesn’t affect me any when we talk now, but of course it’s been six years and we never chat.

My dog Xouirteeee is really weird. As a puppy friends of mine always took pleasure in scaring her. This always made her run and hide or pee herself. For the first few years of her life she had problems with pissing herself out of fear. Sometimes I’d be loading her up in my car to take her to the vet and she’d pee all over. I think this is why she’s so spazzy and scared of everything to this day. Also, she was accidentally hit in the head with a bat by my cousin when she was little. Anyone who has ever met her knows she’s mentally ill. She barks at imaginary shit all the time. My dad likes to joke that she’s afraid of leaves and the wind. I love her dearly though. We have another dog now who is admittedly a better dog, but I’ll always love Xouirteeee more because she was first. I’ll write about my dogs someday. Anyway, Xouirteeee, if you’re reading this I just want to say thanks for your barks while I was out in the woods. It helped me feel less alone.

Third day journal (which is more interesting than this one) will be up in a couple days.

Cheers, folks.

2 thoughts on “Dirt Hole Journal Day 2 (of 5)

  1. Hey man;

    Thanks for commenting back! Dude, this living in a hole thing you did is pretty awesome, in my opinion. It’s one thing to live in the dirt (I know it, I did it for 18 months), but to ration your food? That’s hardcore, man. The longest I went without food was about 2 days, but that was because I was lost out in the altiplano. By choice? Definently not.

    I remember once when I was about 13 I decided to go and live in the woods behind my house for a week during summer. My dad lent me his shotgun and told me I could hunt for squirrels. After a day with no squirrels and a few potshots at some egrets, I waited until my parents went to church and then snuck inside the house and chowed down on dry Reeses Puff’s.

    Thanks for actually finishing my entire blog, I’m glad you like it! Yours is a good one as well, I read it between classes. I had a really good laugh when you were going to fuck your cardboard self. I had one of my students try to translate part of your blog into Spanish because the Internet went out and your page was the only thing up…it was an interesting ten minutes. At least he learned that ‘fuck’ can also be used as a verb…

    Will keep reading your blod, I’ve added you to my blogroll. Thanks for getting your friends to read!

    Peace

    -Patrick

    Like

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