Eclipse Hype

Dude, the earth is going to be plunged into TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS. Every animal on the planet is going to STRAIGHT UP REVOLT (and isn’t man the strangest animal of them all??). Stay off the roads. THERE WILL BE GRIDLOCK FROM PORTLAND TO CALIFORNIA!!! If your eyes start smoking…..SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG!!!

Thinking about going outside during the eclipse? DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!! A phenomenon known as the “devil’s hour” will occur with a cabal of satanists roaming the streets in search of children to rape and dismember. I learned about this from a picture on Facebook and am warning EVERY PARENT I KNOW.

If you haven’t purchased 3-6 months worth of food already THEN BEST OF LUCK TO YOU MY FRIEND. Fred Meyer is helicoptering in over 80 million tons of bread, water, and Kit Kat Bars but eclipse experts predict this won’t be enough. MAKE SURE YOUR WATER IS ISO CERTIFIED!!!

With millions of people flooding the state the extra weight on the land MAY CAUSE OREGON TO BREAK OFF AND SINK INTO THE OCEAN. Don’t believe me? I have a friend who experienced the eclipse in ’53 and he lost his entire family. YOU WILL GO BLIND AND DIE. This eclipse will change you. It’ll bring joy, sorrow, and for some, an orgasm. If you thought you knew what life was THEN PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR WORLD TURNED UPSIDE FUCKING DOWN!!!

10 thoughts on “Eclipse Hype

  1. Some people I know were bringing their horses inside for the (partial here) eclipse. There’s so much stupidity in the world that you’re not exaggerating the reaction of a fair number of people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha yeah I’m living in Oregon and all summer it was hyped like the second coming. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL FLOOD OREGON FOR THE ECLIPSE!!!! In reality it was a fuggin ghost town. I kept telling people the eclipse was gonna be lame as fuck and that turned out to be true. Dude, it’s going to be dark……IN THE MORNING!!!! Lolz.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Stepped outside during the eclipse wearing my ISO certified nerd glasses and got a funny look from a guy carrying a chair on his head. I was the freak. It got about as dark as 4pm at 2:45pm. We’ll all probably forget how anticlimactic it was before the next one comes.

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  3. I thought it was awesome and I only saw partial (76%). That said, I thought the hysteria beforehand was ridiculous. I have friends in other states whose kids were not allowed outside during school hours and/or school was flat-out canceled – no joke. !!! It was completely absurd.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha oh god that’s insane but I’m glad you enjoyed it. I kinda did too. The hype was hilarious. Coastal towns here in Oregon were supposed to each have 50,000 visitors. Businesses stocked up. Local governments blew their whole wads on prep. Then nobody showed up and the eclipse was a fuggin snoozefest. But now I’m hearing rumors of something called y2k. Any idea what that’s about?

      Liked by 1 person

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