Dude, the earth is going to be plunged into TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS. Every animal on the planet is going to STRAIGHT UP REVOLT (and isn’t man the strangest animal of them all??). Stay off the roads. THERE WILL BE GRIDLOCK FROM PORTLAND TO CALIFORNIA!!! If your eyes start smoking…..SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG!!!
Thinking about going outside during the eclipse? DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!! A phenomenon known as the “devil’s hour” will occur with a cabal of satanists roaming the streets in search of children to rape and dismember. I learned about this from a picture on Facebook and am warning EVERY PARENT I KNOW.
If you haven’t purchased 3-6 months worth of food already THEN BEST OF LUCK TO YOU MY FRIEND. Fred Meyer is helicoptering in over 80 million tons of bread, water, and Kit Kat Bars but eclipse experts predict this won’t be enough. MAKE SURE YOUR WATER IS ISO CERTIFIED!!!
With millions of people flooding the state the extra weight on the land MAY CAUSE OREGON TO BREAK OFF AND SINK INTO THE OCEAN. Don’t believe me? I have a friend who experienced the eclipse in ’53 and he lost his entire family. YOU WILL GO BLIND AND DIE. This eclipse will change you. It’ll bring joy, sorrow, and for some, an orgasm. If you thought you knew what life was THEN PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR WORLD TURNED UPSIDE FUCKING DOWN!!!