I Perfumed My Ass for You

For years I ran an OK Cupid of an ass eating illiterate teen named Sasha. She lived with her grandpa, only dated married men, and was afflicted with a chronic case of acne. Despite being seven-fingered and six months pregnant her inbox flooded with solicitors. Her most frequent callers were long coupled fellows in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. The following is the profile she used to lure these kind gentlemen:

My self-summary

Perfect man = tattoos, listens to or at least likes Blue October, has dark hair, Honda civic SI, smart, funny, wide tongue, and has to be as awesome as I am…. I also think eyeliner and nail polish is sexy and piercings are incredibly sexy…..I only date married men

i hate drama so if youre here to resolve your family/pet issues LOOK ELSEWHERE.

What I’m doing with my life

i like to rollerblade and i have a fast food job that i hate…

I’m really good at

Let’s just say my tongue and your behind are involved…lol!!

The first things people usually notice about me

uhm well that I only have 7 finger n pregnant

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

the bible on youtube audiobook

i rock hard to Kottonmouth Kings

The six things I could never do without

sex, proactive, noxzema, birth control, exotic fruit, four loko

I spend a lot of time thinking about

how i’m a pacifist with a violent streak right down the middle

On a typical Friday night I am

clubs or reading a book…babysitter slcub is good!
sometimes yard fire… we burn our garbage n old books

I’m looking for

Guys who like girls
Ages 35–65
Near me
For new friends, short-term dating, casual sex

You should message me if

your mature and not judge metal. if you like to lick butts then we just might get along 😉

The Saga of StayHomeDad55426

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Sasha tormented StayHomeDad55426 for over a month. True to his name he was a stay-at-home dad with a newborn. His wife worked 9-5 so that was the sole window in which the they could meet. The two spoke for weeks as he assembled the courage to make it happen. Sasha would set a date, he’d arrange everything, then she’d cancel at the last second over some perceived slight on his part. No matter how ridiculous her claim nor how much she insulted him he always begged to be taken back. It seemed no legit ladies were into the idea of helping this dude with a newborn cheat on his wife.

StayHomeDad55426 had no money of his own but was on an allowance from his wife. When Sasha demanded he buy her a McDonald’s breakfast so that she “had enough energy for sex” he didn’t know if he could borrow the money without his wife turning suspicious. Sasha blew up in anger and didn’t talk to him for days due to this incident. In time she settled down and set a date for them to finally meet up and fuck.

It’d been a month of back and forth, of building anticipation. I felt as if I’d taken this dude to his limit and could press him no further. It was time for him and Sasha to consummate their love. She asked him to shave his whole ass from leak to cheek then squirt it with perfume. He was excited for her to eat his shitter and they spoke of it often. Here’s part of a convo I don’t have screencapped but did save the text from:

Sasha: mmmmmmmmmm yummmmm….i want u to eat me so much daddy….i want to be washed….i want to be eaten….:)))))

StayHomeDad55426: Oooh baby, I have my notions of how to treat you. I think you are kinky and want to learn how. Your experience and my willingness should make this something special. Like the yin-yang we’ll be, my tongue in your ass as yours is in mine. But don’t be surprised, my dear sasha, to discover on my flip side, how firm my ardor is, how hard my shaft is, how hungry my member is, so you can decide to ignore it, but to deeply feel my affection and lust, there’s no need to deeply discuss, just take that sweet ass and spread those sweet cheeks, and claim my meaty married tribute

Dude was a poet.

The two were to meet at the McDonald’s down the street from where I lived in Minneapolis. At the time I had jack shit happening in my life so several times a week sent men to meet up with her. I’d been trolling pedophiles and married men for over a decade so had years of experience in coaxing creeps from their shell. I made ridiculous demands of the dudes and sent them places that gave me the biggest laugh. For the pedophiles I posted the police station as my address. For the married men a spot near whatever apartment I inhabited so I could watch them pull up in anticipation. My Minneapolis place was only blocks from McDonald’s so that’s what I went with. I’d sit there and watch them searching for an acne riddled chick with seven fingers and a baby bump. I did this with dozens of dudes. Their internet ghost never arrived.

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Another of Sasha’s suitors.

I fucked with StayHomeDad55426 more than most as I thought it was funny he had a newborn but still sought out strange. Sasha sent him to the McDonald’s for their date. It was set for late morning which meant I had to wake earlier than my usual eleven or noon. I walked over ten minutes before they were to meet, bought a coffee, and posted up at a table with a view of the whole joint. I felt giddy as most of my long cons involved folks in far away places where I’d never get to see them. As always I was a little nervous that the plot had been uncovered and this trolling would turn to confrontation. Thankfully that never happened.

StayHomeDad55426 entered and I recognized him at once. He didn’t dress well and looked like the archetype of a schlubby dad skidding into middle age. He came in one entrance, did a quick walk and scan, then exited out the other. I thought it funny that he hustled so quick as if in fear of being found out. I thought it funnier that he was walking around with a shaved asshole and squirt of perfume up his pucker.

I didn’t have a smartphone so couldn’t see if he was messaging Sasha on OK Cupid (she was out of minutes on her phone, as always). Minutes later he entered from the door he’d exited through and did the walk and scan once more. I sipped my coffee and tracked him as he anxiously eyed the place for his lover. I was but an internet ghost and this man didn’t know of the specter in his presence. The troll who’d stole so much of his time. Who for over a month had built his hopes of eating the ass of an illiterate teen. He did his walk and scan a couple more times before taking off for good. I went to the street to see if I could find him but there was no sign. Back at my apartment I had a bunch of messages saying he was there. Saying, hey Sasha where are you?

StayHomeDad55426: I sprayed perry ellis cologne on my bottom for you 😦 but you couldn’t make it. Let me know if anything remarkable happened which prevented our meeting.Have a sweet day

Sasha said she saw him enter the McDonald’s and was so repulsed that she never wanted to see him again. I can’t recall if he replied to the insult or went radio silent. I tried fucking with him a few weeks later but he didn’t respond. In time he deleted his account. I don’t know what happened to him or if he got what he wanted. I hope the poor dude got laid, even if it meant just having to bang his wife.

21 thoughts on “I Perfumed My Ass for You

    1. Thank you for your kind guidance, Mr. Waterbearer77. Please pray for me every hour on the hour. I fear that if you don’t then Satan will wrap his claws around me 😦

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      1. KEEP WRITING. GET IT ALL ON PAPER. My advice is to find someone positive and ask them to help you stay in the middle. Everybody is off center but the one who can move back to the middle are capable of doing anything. Don’t get me wrong, it takes practice but what could be better than working on yourself? Hang in there.

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    1. I’ll ask Sasha if she wants to hang with you. Pretty sure she’s pregnant and looking for friends (or at least someone to buy her cigs and diapers).

      Like

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