For years I lived on Planet Craigslist. It’s a world of folks in search of both sundries and someone to shit in their mouth. I dug deep through this spectrum: the oddities, mundanities, and fucked up scenarios. I scanned the listings of major metros and found each city the same: a vast unfiltered valley of scuzzy and wonderful posts. I spoke to pedophiles and people selling iPods. I picked up work, found apartments, got laid, and sold tickets last minute. When I was poor I ran ads as someone who’d shovel dog shit. As I ambled through America I drove hitchers who used it to find sleep in a deep west nowhere. Craigslist (CL) is a planet made up of opposites. A place with many purposes and services. But for me its main attraction has always been sex.
Craigslist caters to folks digging through the cellars of their sexuality. I scanned an endless scroll of posts seeking acts impossible to find without aid of the internet. There’s no doubt it’s littered with awful men and misogyny. Folks who dove from the cliffs of humanity to a vortex of hatred and cum. But beneath that are tools for exploring kinks, connecting with others, and examining what it’s like to be lonely. That feeling was there in abundance. It spilled through the subtext. The dudes only looking to cuddle. The men who filled the page with things too personal. I empathized with these disaffected, sex-starved men. They were my tribe.
I spent all my time on Craigslist Casual, the place people go in search of sex and its many stripes: discrete, kinky, pic trades, phone play, ongoing NSA, cheating, etc. In new cities I posted ads in search of sex and cuddles. I wasn’t looking for love but hoped for sexual and intellectual compatibility. Through dozens of ads I found women willing to meet and even slept with a number of them. These experiences were both awkward and invaluable. They helped me gain experience with a variety of lovers. Even the bad ones made for good stories.
In time my attention turned to another pastime: trolling. As I ran my ads I found the majority of non-bot responses came from men. Many were gay, many more claimed to be straight but still wanted to suck me off. This was typical despite posting for straight sex only. I deleted their replies or gave a polite no thanks.
Then one day someone sent the following proposition:
“This might be weird but would u be interested in meeting my mother when shes drunk and seducing her? if not its cool, i understand its not guaranteed but still”
I asked for more details and why they wanted their mom to get laid.
“shes on the left in pic 48 honestly i just wanna hear u pound her”
Their mom was hot so I said I was interested. I asked if they were her son or daughter, already knowing the answer. Their response:
“im her son whats ur number ill txt u”
I sent the man my number. I doubted anything would happen but didn’t mind playing part in something so depraved. My moral compass is murky and puts me in odd places. So I got his pic and a list of shit his mom liked. The plan was for me to find her at a bar and see if I could take it back to their place. In the end, like most CL encounters, it fizzled to nothing. Maybe it was mere fantasy. Maybe another would take up the mantle. I neither knew nor cared.
Despite the failure his idea inspired me. I wanted to see if I could get a dude to do this: fuck the mom of the person running the ad knowing they would stroke off to the action. I envisioned myself an internet anthropologist. A man whose work was underpinned by curiosity. A curiosity that arose at the crossroads of sex and internet. So I wrote the ad and ran it as a lady trying to get her mom laid:
I know it reads as ridiculous. I learned I could take things super far and still get dick pics and digits. The promise of sex pulled men from the depths of their cum cave to the internet’s surface. I used bizarre scenarios to find the breaking point of what dudes would do to get laid. I learned that point was near nonexistent. So I became an expert in luring the lonely, the desperate, the kinksters up for everything. Skeptics wrote in and flagged my ads as fake. Still, those who couldn’t discern reality replied by the bushel. There was no shortage of folks who’d fuck my mom and let me listen. These were the best of the bunch:
1. How about this!!!!!! I am offer you my job. Cleaning ,fixing ,cutting the grass even I can do relaxing massage for you and for your mom!!!!
2. Subject line: got hard reading this
3. Hey sounds great to me had to hurry berfore you
get flagged. I would love to let you sniff my fingers
to my cock what ever you need no problem. I would
love to pick up you mom and fuck her hard make her
cum all over while you listen fuck yes
4. I think it’s very respectable that you know exactly what you want and are not afraid to ask for it. I’m James. I am not a “pretty” guy. I have more of a rugged look. I am tall, thin, fit, well-built. I am a career professional. I am currently running the top company in my industry in this town. I am well-read and respected in my field.
I own slacks, ties, shirts, but I also own a backpack and hiking boots. Dogs like me, and obey me. I don’t own any pets.
I am extremely confident in flirting with and picking up women. The fact that she is a few years older than me actually works in our favor, because she will likely be extremely enamored simply by the fact that a younger man is hitting on her. I know I will be able to buy her a drink, and then proceed to lead the conversation in directions required for me to pick her up.
The next day is not a problem at all. I am available to pick you up anytime tomorrow, or Saturday. I would like to go out tonight to pick up on your mom because I was planning on going out to pick up an older woman tonight anyhow. I am disease free, I can assure you I will not do or say anything that would compromise the secrecy of your endeavor here, and I’m looking forward to helping you out. I’ve attached a few pictures, and my phone number is listed below. You can text me if that’s easier than email for you, but perhaps email will be easier with your paralysis.
Hope to hear back from you, and if I don’t, do be cautious about who you let meet your mother.
5. Ill bring you a video of me and mom and we can watch together
6. Research your mom with you , pick her up somewhere. Bang her so you can hear it. Pick you up the next day and so forth. Sounds more like the Amazing Race TV show.
I ran many ads in a similar vein of absurdity. In this piece I flipped the script and played the part of a mother looking to have something done to her offspring.
1. Taking a shit right now i can not wipe for you. Also very gassy after the ribs i had for dinner.want me to come over
2. Still looking? Will you fart on me? 🙂 I’ll have a nice dirty butthole when I come over 🙂
3. whats the purpose of farting on all your sons stuff and why the poor turtle?
4. Is too funny but I so horny today!!!! Give me directions and will fart on everything!
5. That’s fucking gross, does this turn you on? Geez.
6. does the turtle bite?! do you have a pic of the turtle?
7. ive been gassy all day. Ive never got laid or rewarded for farting this could be a great start to the new year please contact me with the location and a picture so I can get my gassy ass to your place !! Thanks happy new year !!
8. happy to help! can I also fuck your mouth, cum on your face and wash it off with a warm stream of piss?
9. Had lots of homemade pizza the last day or so and the garlic has me stinky !! Where are you located ? Do you have a pic ?
10. Hey, I’ll do it but I’ve already done a poop today. You still have to hook me up right tho
–I asked if he’d drink some coffee to loosen up his innards. His response:
If I drink coffee this late your gonna have one sore pussy in the morning hun. Its your call, if I poop before farts will you let me shower before we go at it? I want to make sure I’m nice and fresh down there, I will be expecting you to sit on my face and then a nice 69! Don’t want you to be at all weirded out because fecies just left that area….
The sheer mass of replies was disheartening for my own quest to get laid. I couldn’t read and delete the boring offers quick enough. They flooded the ark of my inbox with an ocean of dick pics and desperation. I saw how women are inundated by men on the internet. I had a similar revelation when I ran my fake OK Cupid account. The person I pretended to be received a dozen or more missives a day, many of them gross. On my own account I considered it good to get a single reply each week. Craigslist was its own planet but reflected the real — a world overrun by men.
In general these dudes did nothing wrong. Their only crime was looking to get laid. If that’s the criteria for unlawful action then sentence me to execution. I rarely wrote an ad I wouldn’t respond to, if only to scratch a curious itch. So I did what I could to alleviate the inherent deception of trolling. I almost never replied to the emails they sent me. CL is a numbers game and in moments they’d scamper to the next ad. In this sense I was no worse than a bot wasting a bit of your time. But there were moments where I fucked with someone who didn’t deserve it. That was rare and outside the scope of my mission. I own it and hope I’ll never be catfished as karma. Seeking sex, love, and companionship are elemental human impulses. I merely wanted to see how far dudes would take it, collect their responses, and move forward. In that regard I succeeded.
My interest in trolling Craigslist dried up when the women who roamed its halls shifted off to other apps. I wasn’t getting laid and so spent less and less time there. As tinder came in, as the bots took over, I drifted away. It’s still an interesting place and I look at ads to see what’s out there. But Craigslist is a shell of what it once was. There’s too much competition for the attention of others. That’s fine. Still, I’m happy to have an archive. A series of posts to sift through. The depravity was endless and my trials left me with an everlasting truth. A thesis supported by an avalanche of evidence: Dudes be desperate.
Planet Craigslist is a limited series chronicling my years of trolling dudes with bizarre sex requests. More pieces will follow.