Planet Craigslist: Bad Parents

Planet Craigslist recounts my years of trolling men with a series of depraved sex ads. The entry outlining the project can be found here: Planet Craigslist: Bang My Mom

Like any sane person children repulse me. Babies are little more than shit machines that look like a wrinkled grocery bag. I’ve always hated kids. Always wondered why one would choose enslavement to a being solely here to siphon your life force. An entity whose first earthly act is blowing apart your pussy, who hates you in adolescence, who locks you in a nursing home the second after you give them a hundred k for college. Children are rats, a plague that’s destroyed our planet. Despite that our societal instructions are such: Go forth and multiply.

I know many don’t agree with these feelings on the matter. Most folks have a litter of rats whether they meant to or not. I find these people fascinating. They take on so many roles and draw from an inestimable energy reserve just to function. I can barely care for myself, much less a money sucking runt. And though parents have given themselves to a life of slavery they still gotta fuck. Gotta recreate what put them in this mess in the first place.

Screen Shot 2015-04-30 at 6.40.38 PM
One of my fake ads that was flagged as spam before I could collect responses.

As I trolled Craigslist (CL) with a series of depraved sex ads I came across spouses. Men looking to step out on their marriage. That led me to wonder how many parents use CL for strange. Under the sex ads I ran as my real self I heard from mothers both unwed and married. Most just wanted to sext and flirt but never take the next step of getting together. One lady would go on cam and tell me her bondage fantasies. Of how she wired her pussy to a charge at a sex party. She sent me photos of her tied in rope with her husband’s cock inside her. She never wanted to really meet but rather just play out her fantasies in a safe space. Her real name was attached to her email. A google search led to a church website with a video of her attesting to her Christian faith. I wish she’d wanted to meet but it wasn’t to be. Despite that setback an unmarried mother was game so we got together.

She was in her mid to late 40s and parked near my place at two in the morning. I walked to her car figuring I could slip back to darkness if shit broke awkward. Her pictures were vague so I was surprised to learn she looked and sounded a lot like an aunt of mine. She asked if that turned me on but it didn’t. We made out in her car and decided to take it back to my room. I brought her to my bed and then to completion. By the time that was done it was four in the morning. Still she stayed up.

For the better part of an hour she lay naked in my arms. She spent that time spewing frustration at her siblings, her ex, her grown children. She was depressed and thought they were all against her. She gave these kids her decades and dollars but came out the other side unsatisfied. She didn’t project the societal expectation of a happy mother. A parent thankful for the litter of rats they put on our planet. It seemed she lived an awful life and would’ve complained ’til morning had I not hinted I needed sleep. Her parental path hadn’t guided her into golden years of bliss. Instead she was getting older, starting over, and seemed estranged from her family. Maybe that’s why she agreed to let a CL dork finger her on a floor mattress.

I’ll never know what it’s like to be a parent but I pretended to be one on CL. I wanted to see what dudes would do when a kid was in the picture. So I posed as a pregnant teen in need of an abortion. I posted the ad in both Portland and several several cities across Utah. Responses rolled in from the Mormon state.

Some told me I was a sicko, others called me out on being a fake. The first response below is a fellow troll but I left it in because it’s funny. There’s always a few who bite back, who fuck with me because they know I’m a phony. But as with all my ads most responses were genuine. They’re fueled by lust, the lure of getting laid. They see someone dumb or desperate and slip themselves into the situation. There’s a subsection of dudes who’ll go great lengths for pleasure. Even if a kid’s in the picture.


The best responses:

1. “Oh hell yes! How about I just end it for him while we bang?”

I asked if he knew how to do that and this was his response: “Yeah I’ll just look it up on the internet. Anyhow, I’d rub your bump in oil, then drape my balls across it for a few. After that, put my c*ck in you slow.. and deep. Balls deep. Then hold it there until I feel you twich a little. Deal?”

2. “Hey seen Ur add n wanted to know if I was the guy u are looking for. I love pregnant sex. I’ve done it b4. Id love to lay behind u hold Ur belly as we slowly have sex I love going down on girls. It’s ok if Ur hairy understandable for have a big sexy belly.”

3. “would you like your a$$hole licked? does your bump need a golden shower? I would love to play with your pregnant bump and give it kisses all night.”

4. “i can show you a great time

my music choices would be… tool, rage, marley, ben harper, michael franti,
phish,string cheese, yonder mountain, dave, cake, sublime, wookiefoot,
oasis…just to name a few.”

I told him I love Phish and that he should pick a long song for our lovemaking.

His response: “maze is my favorite phish song, and it is really long with a lot of good jams! it would be so hot to get wild with that in the back round

i am very very open minded, and kinky as well, so there is nothing i
would not be up for doing
i could totally lick and rub all over your belly
i really really love giving oral, so i hope you like your p*ssy and
ass eaten too… but let me know what you want done to your bump and i
am there

yes i can drive”

5. “One thing that I am an expert at is making women squirt. I can make women have such a stron gorgasm that they ejaculate and I usuallydrink al the c*m. Yum”

6. “do you have any pictures? not sure what i would do with your bump, never been asked that before, most likely i would think of things on the spot. do you get high at all?”

I said I got high and asked what kind of drugs he could provide for me to do while pregnant.

His response: “do you like speed?”

7. “Ok..I will take care of you and give you the sex you if you change your mind about ending, if you choose to, I will take your son and raise him and you can chose to be in his life if you in the meantime, I can take care of your sexual needs .and afterwards too..please let me do I get a hold of you?”

8. “Ill shoot my cum all over your bump and lick your pussy”

9. “Can I suckin enjoy ur nipples r ulactating”

I wasn’t surprised that there were promises of drugs for a pregnant lady (#6). When I ran a fake OK Cupid account of a pregnant teen I got these offers often. Sasha, the teen I pretended to be, broke two dates in a single day. One was with a dude who wanted to pay her for sex, the other a man who hoped to get her drunk. As I rescheduled those two dates dates I set another with a married man. Sasha and him planned a meetup but hit a snafu on his end:

“I’m not sure what’s going on with a sitter for my little girl at the moment might be a little later”

These married men lurked all over the hallowed halls of Craigslist and OK Cupid. Other than saying they’d need to keep it a secret few hid the fact that they were married. I decided to target these dudes directly. So I ran an ad posing as a parent in search of strange. I wrote gay and straight versions as the sex of the poster wasn’t important. The only thing that mattered was targeting men. Females don’t respond en masse like dudes do. The following is the ad I ran pretending to be a stay-at-home parent in search of some D.

Straight version of ad. The vast majority of responses came from this version.
Gay version of ad.

This was my most active ad ever. I received more than 200 inquiries in under 24 hours. There’s lots of desperate dads out there. People who signed up for monogamy but couldn’t stick to it. Roughly 70% of the responses involved bringing their kid over. The rest were childless men or those who only had theirs on weekends.

The best responses:

1. Im Carl, I dont have a kid, but i have a hard cock and i love to play. im here to fix the cable. maybe watch the kid from the window while i eat you out and finger fuck you. Maybe the next day i can play plumber and use my snake on you. lets have some fun while were still young and can.

2. I was seeing if u might like to have a differnt kind of fun. You could lock me in a chastity belt and i could be your private play toy. You could even dress me up do my makeup and all that fun stuff

3. Has your son ever walked in on you while you were playing? How old is he. What would you do if he caught you. When you hive me an honest reply I will show you my Lego….

4. I do not have a kid of my own, but regularly babysit my 5 year old nephew and think connecting like this on a semi regular basis would be REALLY hot! We love leggos and the jungle jim. 😉 I hope to hear back soon or in the future…. sounds like we both need a bit more excitement in our lives. 😉

5. Recently new to being a stay at home dad. I was just laid off from a company that I had been with for 5 years. I’ve found myself at a park almost everyday last week. The Disney channel is getting old though. I’ve also got plenty of time to teach my daughter how to ride her first bike!! She’s 3 by the way and a beautiful baby. Love her to death. My wife on the other hand, has basically stopped trying on our sex life. Complains about being too tired or some other excuse. My sex life lately consists of me waking her up with a lubed cock that slides right in. By the time she realizes what’s going on its already in and she goes with it. She says she likes to be woke up. I for once would like someone to come on to me. Maybe even a blowjob to warm me up.

6. I’m pretty well hung (8 inches) and don’t have any problems getting hard but could prescribe myself viagra if you want. (I later confirmed that this guy is a pretty prestigious doctor. I didn’t know they could prescribe themselves Viagra. We had an extended back and forth over several weeks where I found out his identity and that he was married.)

7. I’m kind of a redneck u could say “have a pretty good sence of humor & a realitively dirty mind lol, what can I say..I’m a guy! My wife of 14yrs is moving out next weekend with my kids to their own place & I’m selling our house & moving into my Rv, she’s currentley still here so whatever I do I’m trying to keep on the discreet side for my own sanity until she’s moved moved out..for dramas sake, it’s a mutual agreement between the two of us but she still gets weirded out when I talk to other females, so now I’m trying to make a few female “friends” this way since I wasn’t really allowed to have any, i live here in Vanc wa, own my suburban so I do drive & hopefully whoever I may meet does as well, I smoke cigs, no 420 & quit drinking..had to, was getting out of hand, anyways sorry bout the long story & if I happen to spark your interests hit me back w/pics & I’ll do the same. go by dingas “nickname” lol 😉 my favorite activitys to do with my kids “I have 4 of them” are hanging out with them & going to their school/cheer functions, if we were to connect I’d have to figure out the kids situation? But it’s doable

8. Is it safe to play at your place while the hubby is gone? Seems like a 4 year old kid could be a taddle-tale.

9. Hi, I have a 5 year old granddaughter. I am 51 but look 40 easy. Would love to hook up (There were multiple responses from grandpas offering to bring their grandkids over)

10. Some guy just sent me pictures of a bunch of Star Wars Legos he’d put together and said he’d bring over more.

11. Can bring you home eat you fuck you while your son watches cartoons

12. Him: hey i got no son but we can all three play?

Me: Well, he’s only 4. You are interested in that? Wasn’t thinking he’d be involved!

Him: yeah… are u into it? i got party favors…

After running many ads and hearing from a few thousand men CL ceased to surprise me. Still, I was taken aback by the dads who’d bring their kid to a stranger’s and lock them in a basement so they could they fuck. Their quest for sex overrode parental instincts. For at least a brief moment of lust they saw themselves as people first and parents second. They stepped the delicate dance between these two parts of their being. It seemed some managed the discord better than others. Not all men are meant to be fathers. Nor people parents. And yet they find themselves inside that prison. Beating their dicks against the bars. Screaming for a stranger to let them out.

Planet Craigslist is a limited series chronicling my years of trolling dudes with bizarre sex requests. More pieces will follow.

4 thoughts on “Planet Craigslist: Bad Parents

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