Planet Craigslist

How citizens of the internet find me + Random slop + I run fake sex ads on Craigslist and post the responses for your amusement.

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My most responded to ad ever. Well over 200 in under 24 hours. I’m glad I’m never having kids because there’s apparently a lot of desperate dads out there. About 70% of the responses involved bringing their kid over. The rest were guys without kids or ones who only had theirs on the weekend. The best responses:

1. Im Carl, I dont have a kid, but i have a hard cock and i love to play. im here to fix the cable. maybe watch the kid from the window while i eat you out and finger fuck you. Maybe the next day i can play plumber and use my snake on you. lets have some fun while were still young and can.

2. I was seeing if u might like to have a differnt kind of fun. You could lock me in a chastity belt and i could be your private play toy. You could even dress me up do my makeup and all that fun stuff

3. Has your son ever walked in on you while you were playing? How old is he. What would you do if he caught you. When you hive me an honest reply I will show you my Lego….

4. I do not have a kid of my own, but regularly babysit my 5 year old nephew and think connecting like this on a semi regular basis would be REALLY hot! We love leggos and the jungle jim. πŸ˜‰ I hope to hear back soon or in the future…. sounds like we both need a bit more excitement in our lives. πŸ˜‰

5. Recently new to being a stay at home dad. I was just laid off from a company that I had been with for 5 years. I’ve found myself at a park almost everyday last week. The Disney channel is getting old though. I’ve also got plenty of time to teach my daughter how to ride her first bike!! She’s 3 by the way and a beautiful baby. Love her to death. My wife on the other hand, has basically stopped trying on our sex life. Complains about being too tired or some other excuse. My sex life lately consists of me waking her up with a lubed cock that slides right in. By the time she realizes what’s going on its already in and she goes with it. She says she likes to be woke up. I for once would like someone to come on to me. Maybe even a blowjob to warm me up.

6. I’m pretty well hung (8 inches) and don’t have any problems getting hard but could prescribe myself viagra if you want. (I later confirmed that this guy is a doctor. I didn’t know they could prescribe themselves Viagra.)

7. I’m kind of a redneck u could say “have a pretty good sence of humor & a realitively dirty mind lol, what can I say..I’m a guy! My wife of 14yrs is moving out next weekend with my kids to their own place & I’m selling our house & moving into my Rv, she’s currentley still here so whatever I do I’m trying to keep on the discreet side for my own sanity until she’s moved moved out..for dramas sake, it’s a mutual agreement between the two of us but she still gets weirded out when I talk to other females, so now I’m trying to make a few female “friends” this way since I wasn’t really allowed to have any, i live here in Vanc wa, own my suburban so I do drive & hopefully whoever I may meet does as well, I smoke cigs, no 420 & quit drinking..had to, was getting out of hand, anyways sorry bout the long story & if I happen to spark your interests hit me back w/pics & I’ll do the same. go by dingas “nickname” lol πŸ˜‰ my favorite activitys to do with my kids “I have 4 of them” are hanging out with them & going to their school/cheer functions, if we were to connect I’d have to figure out the kids situation? But it’s doable

8. Is it safe to play at your place while the hubby is gone? Seems like a 4 year old kid could be a taddle-tale.

9. Hi, I have a 5 year old granddaughter. I am 51 but look 40 easy. Would love to hook up (There were multiple responses from grandpas offering to bring their grandkids over)

10. Some guy just sent me pictures of a bunch of Star Wars Legos he’d put together and said he’d bring over more.
.
11. Can bring you home eat you fuck you while your son watches cartoons

12. Him: hey i got no son but we can all three play?

Me: Well, he’s only 4. You are interested in that? Wasn’t thinking he’d be involved!

Him: yeah… are u into it? i got party favors…

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Best responses:

1, I’m 60, I will help you with a couple visits with meds for your goat.
Would you be willing to trade sexual favors for your goat meds.
Scott

2. I wouldn’t lose sleep worrying. I don’t believe that the chickens can get worms by eating the segments, it needs to be introduced an another way, like eating mites that eggs in them. It needs an intermediary. But the goat shouldn’t be a problem. There are many de wormers out there.
Are you serious about needing help? I’m experienced with animals, and not in a sick way.

3. Hi , I can help you with your problem! Can you please send pics of you, not the fecies so I know if this is worth my time and effort?

4. Hi
That is the most interesting post. I would be willing to deworm your goat and clean up the feces.
Can you tell me where to buy the dewormer? Is this something that is fed to him, or do I have to shove it down his throat or up his butt?

5. How much does de-worming medicine cost? You don’t have to have sex with me unless you want to but let’s get that goat healthy again. If we do end up fooling around afterwards though I’m down.
Mike

6. I can butcher chickens, mow grass, brush goats teeth….it’s worth it to me to have some funnnnnnn!!!!!! Let’s do this!

7. Cigarette tobacco is a natural de-wormer.

8. that is a strange request but if I’m ever to meet a nice decent woman, i’ll have to go out on a limb, I’m w, 47, 6ft, 175, brown/blue, love to please a woman and not selfish, no as for the goat, I’ll pick you some meds, it will have to be tomorrow after work, and if you help. i’ll clean the yard, lol, not my type of thing, but I want to meet you, have only been with 1 person for the last 14 years

9. Having sex with a goat sounds better than having sex with someone that would write that post. You are truly a stupid slut.

10. POINT, IF YOU HAVEN’T FOUND ANYONE TO DE/WORM YOUR GOAT, I WILL BE MORE THAN WILLING TO DO THE JOB… I’M AND ER ROOM PHYSICIAN, AND I HAVE FRIENDS THAT ARE VETINARIAN DOCTORS.. IF YOU DON’T MIND ME COMING OVER AND GETTING SOME FECES SAMPLES, SO I CAN TAKE THEM TO THE VET, SO HE CAN TELL ME WHAT IS NEEDED TO TREAT YOUR GOAT.. THEN I CAN BRING THE MEDICINE TO TREAT THE GOAT…I WILL ALSO RETURN IN A FEW DAYS AND CHECK HIS FECES TO MAKE SURE THE MED IS WORKING..
I HOPE YOU WILL NEED MY SERVICES. I WAS BORN IS CASTILE, SPAIN AND MY GRANDPARENTS HAVE GOATS, SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.. BY THE WAY, I’M 6’1″TALL, 185LBS, DDF, AND TALL, TAN AND VERY HANDSOME.. I HOPE YOUR UP FOR THE CHALLENGE, I’M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE YOU’VE GIVEN ME.. LET ME KNOW WHEN AND WHERE TO COME TO YOU SO I CAN HELP THE GOAT AND YOU… I’M AVAILABLE TO YOU…I CAN HELP!!!

11. I can be your urban farm helper and you invite me in for a lemonade, you catch me checking you out so you decide to tease me a bunch and notice the bulge in my pants then……

12. Do you have all the tools we need broom, shovels, rope? I could make it out tomorrow afternoon with the medication. Is the goat tame enough to get ahold of? Can i shower at your place when the messy job is done? Anychance of getting dinner out of this? You’re going to need me to come by a few times. The chickens probably don’t have a hope if they’ve got parasites. Any chance of getting some photos, goat, you, photos of feces aren’t necessary. My photo is attached.

Levi

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Best replies:

1. Taking a shit right now i can not wipe for you. Also very gassy after the ribs i had for dinner.want me to come over

2. Still looking? Will you fart on me? πŸ™‚ I’ll have a nice dirty butthole when I come over πŸ™‚

3. whats the purpose of farting on all your sons stuff and why the poor turtle?

4. Is too funny but I so horny today!!!! Give me directions and will fart on everything!

5. That’s fucking gross, does this turn you on? Geez.

6. does the turtle bite?! do you have a pic of the turtle?

7.ive been gassy all day. Ive never got laid or rewarded for farting this could be a great start to the new year please contact me with the location and a picture so I can get my gassy ass to your place !! Thanks happy new year !!

8. happy to help!

can I also fuck your mouth, cum on your face and wash it off with a warm stream of piss?

9. Had lots of homemade pizza the last day or so and the garlic has me stinky !! Where are you located ? Do you have a pic ?

10. Hey, I’ll do it but I’ve already done a poop today. You still have to hook me up right tho

-I asked if he’d drink some coffee to loosen up his innards. His response:

If I drink coffee this late your gonna have one sore pussy in the morning hun. Its your call, if I poop before farts will you let me shower before we go at it? I want to make sure I’m nice and fresh down there, I will be expecting you to sit on my face and then a nice 69! Don’t want you to be at all weirded out because fecies just left that area….

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Best replies:

1. I’ve eaten cranberries mashed potato’s and corn do you have a pic of you ?

2. Mmmm. I bet he enjoys that horse dildo. I’d be fine with just eating your pussy and asshole out for the 15 minutes then to business.

3. I have had salad, popcorn and buffalo wildwings in the last 16 hours. I have plenty of experience with fecal play (shit on the ground and doing a girl from behind until I drive her face into it) (shit on her chest and make her play with it while I stand next to the bed holding her legs open as far as they go and entering her when she has smeared it around enough) (shitting in a submissives mouth, having them swallow, then forcing them to puke it back up with fingers, a dildo, or my 8″member)

4. would you be into this?

http://www.eroprofile.com/m/videos/view/Santara-Fruit-poo-Dessert

The link is a disgusting video of a woman shoving fruit pieces up her behind, pooping on a plate, then eating it. Sample quotes:

“Eating all this…fruit. It’s making me so horny.”

“I always eat lots of vegetables so my poo is tasting very healthy.”

“I want to cum, baby. Oh my god.” After this she proceeds to hock shit onto a dildo, use even more shit to lube her ass, and then finally uses the dildo to cum. Christ.

This came from the comments section: “one of the best scat vids of recent times….i wish i was her son to eat her scat daily…”

5. I’ve had some experience with fecal play with a previous partner and was extremely aroused by it. I have had a burrito, thai chicken and several beers today, so my bowel movement should be good and messy. I’d really love to be a part of this. Let me know what kind of pics you’d like and when you would like to meet up

6. Im serious pay u to piss in my mouth .will do any thing u want .if u can do that yes vary real .perfer fat women

7. Ate nothing but chips and soda can shit on command

must be able to pick me up inn oakland

8. I have been knotted by a vary large women and her rotte ..will do anything u want if u are really really real ..taboo is sick but i like it .piss on me please

9. I can understand the horses, but how do you use rats? It is a shame this country is so backwards.

Later on: Never thought of rats that way. I know some people enjoy reptiles that way. I always considered animals based upon their potential compatibility.

I hope you guys are successful with your post. Id offer to help but unfortunately I can only produce in the morning after my coffee!

10. I hope you people die of AIDS very very soon you freaks

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I got more responses to this ad than any I’ve ever done. Must’ve been over fifty. I had about ten men shave their behinds and pack them with Vicks. I sent multiple dudes to the same places in Minneapolis and Portland. I even had a guy in Austin wandering around under a bridge looking for her. Here are some of the best responses I received:

1. U sound like a real freak rite on .big plus if u r fat too..

2. Finished shaving, hopefully to your satisfaction (first time I shaved my ass).

Cut to later: What the hell! Where were you? I just walked around the top of the park for over half an hour yeling “pooh!” and whistling the song “deep in the hundred acre woods…”

3. That has to be the weirdest thing I’ve ever read on here. I mean, I’ve read about diapers and crossdressers and people into pain and bondage, but cum spiting onto a teddy bear?? I applaud your imagination and I worry that you are somehow free to roam the planet and post strangeness on the internet. I’m as tired as fuck, but I’m smiling at the thought of someone asshuffing Vapor Rub while doing a dutch rudder into a stuffed doll. LOLOLOL

I wonder how many serious responses you will get and how many perverse men are cutting themselves with a bic razor down there. Right. Now. At 1:30 in the morning.

I love you, please marry me! Someone as kinky imaginative as you will make my life seem less dull. Perhaps both our kinky imaginations will mesh into some sort of Lennon-McCartney quality sexual genesis that will completely revolutionize the Internet.

Write back. I’m interested in what you get!

Marc

4. Hey, I showed up, I was a little late (10 min. maybe) had no idea where to look for you. stood by the board at the beginning of the stone arch bridge and never saw anyone holding a teddy bear.

5. this sounds spectacular but i won’t shave my ass…ill shower and scrub all kinds oh fierce? Fuck my ex had a teddy and i would nut something glorious in that bear, your mouth, and god it’d be good to feel a ladies lips on my knob again.

6. Subject line: candy coated teddy bear

Text: I shoot a really big gush so hope you have a good sized bear or gulp a lil down

7. would you be into me pissing on you in return?

8. I’ll take the confederate bear since I’m from Georgia. πŸ™‚

What happened later on: I sent him to the top of this park that overlooks the city. He brought his dog with. I told him I was hiding in the woods, high on coke, fingering myself watching him, and would only come out if he’d let me suck off the dog. He eventually agreed.

He sent this email the next day: Last night sucked. When I parked a cop pulled up and was eyeballing me. sketched me out. Then I couldn’t find you. I thought it was a setup, like me on top of mountain while someone robbed my car or something. Then when you brought up beastieality, I thought you were pranking me. On top of all that I fucked up my knee last night. Just shitty.

You have any more sniff, I could use a line if so.

9. I fucking love it. I’m a total undercover freak as well. I went to a park once with a girl dressed as raggedy Ann n Andy(2am or so) played tag for a minute then fucked on every play structure there.

10. I just shaved and vapores up. My ass is on fire.

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Best responses:

1. How about this!!!!!! I am offer you my job. Cleaning ,fixing ,cutting the grass even I can do relaxing massage for you and for your mom!!!!

2. Subject line: got hard reading this

3. Hey sounds great to me had to hurry berfore you
get flagged. I would love to let you sniff my fingers
to my cock what ever you need no problem. I would
love to pick up you mom and fuck her hard make her
cum all over while you listen fuck yes

4. I think it’s very respectable that you know exactly what you want and are not afraid to ask for it. I’m James. I am not a “pretty” guy. I have more of a rugged look. I am tall, thin, fit, well-built. I am a career professional. I am currently running the top company in my industry in this town. I am well-read and respected in my field.

I own slacks, ties, shirts, but I also own a backpack and hiking boots. Dogs like me, and obey me. I don’t own any pets.

I am extremely confident in flirting with and picking up women. The fact that she is a few years older than me actually works in our favor, because she will likely be extremely enamored simply by the fact that a younger man is hitting on her. I know I will be able to buy her a drink, and then proceed to lead the conversation in directions required for me to pick her up.

The next day is not a problem at all. I am available to pick you up anytime tomorrow, or Saturday. I would like to go out tonight to pick up on your mom because I was planning on going out to pick up an older woman tonight anyhow. I am disease free, I can assure you I will not do or say anything that would compromise the secrecy of your endeavor here, and I’m looking forward to helping you out. I’ve attached a few pictures, and my phone number is listed below. You can text me if that’s easier than email for you, but perhaps email will be easier with your paralysis.

Hope to hear back from you, and if I don’t, do be cautious about who you let meet your mother.

-James

5. Ill bring you a video of me and mom and we can watch together

6. Research your mom with you , pick her up somewhere. Bang her so you can hear it. Pick you up the next day and so forth.

Sounds more like the Amazing Race TV show.

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1. I know that dog costume will fit me perfect. I like this fantasy. Makes me want to bark and Howell. Even thanking of humping your leg. Even puting my nose in your crotch and lick. Ruff ruff

2. Your fantasy sounds like fun! I’m 27, husky, 6′ or so and very hairy, even have a beard! I’ve personally had a lot of fantasies involving animals that I’d never want to actually act out with an animal.

3. Hi
I can help you fulfill your doggy fantasy. I’d love to fuck a girl in the ass, been a long time for me. If acting out your fantasy helps me get it then that’s fine with me. Fantasies are weird, no judgement from here.
One thing though. I have a fantasy of getting deep throated until my jizz sprays down your throat. Is that something you could go along with afterwards?
I’m 42, 5’11, 210lbs. I bet your doggy outfit would fit me nicely.
Nick

4. I’m Brandon. First, I am going to say way to go for just putting yourself out there. I chuckled a few times when reading it, but the freakish lover inside me said….. “OH how I hope this goes down”. If you dont choose me that is totally fine, but I do wish for you a great fantasy fuck……. one that satisfies this vision for yourself and Sloopy…. =) This takes a little courage I am not gonna lie. For you and for me….lol. I have experience as an actor so I think I would be a great candidate because once I completely sumurge myself into the role I believe it will be a better experience for you, rather than someone who is in it for themselves. I would like to be of assistance, I think this is great…… I also think that it would be a once in a lifetime thing…… maybe for the both of us. =)

5. Subject Line: Pig Ears
Let me be completely upfront, I want to do this because I want to fuck a girl in the ass and haven’t had any luck. That being said I will wear the suit, I will talk dirty, and completely role play as a Harris if it means I get to fuck you sweet asshole.

6. Pleaser. 5’11”, average build, I broke a rule and brushed my teeth – wine or beer would bring back some dog breath.

7. It doesn’t seem like a Disney fantasy, so dirty dog talk may be mixed.

I am 5’11”

8. This guy included a bunch of pics of him at the backroom of a vet’s office with a parrot on his shoulder and caged animals nearby:

First off: It’s really hard to believe you’re real. But on the off chance you are – because your fantasy turns me the hell on – I’m going to respond. Note: I’m not being a dick and asking if you ARE real – just sayin’ … it’s hard to believe.

Second: Glad to see you posted again. I was super annoyed when I typed out my response only to see you had gotten flagged. So flippin’ lame. I think guys do it to limit how many responses you get. Ultra ridiculous.

I’m responding because I think it’s totally awesome that you’ve got this fantasy, aren’t going to abuse a real dog, and have found an awesome way to fulfill the fantasy. I’m in vet med, and people who use dogs kinda sorta piss me off a little. But, I’m also pretty non-judgmental and I understand the . So your creative solution? It’s awesome, it rocks, and it deserves to be rewarded. I’m happy to re-read your fantasy a few more times so I have it down pat and can stick to the book, so to speak. πŸ˜‰

What’s in it for me?

It turns me on to no end to know I’m fulfilling somebody’s fantasy. I enjoy sex the most when I see the other person just melting because of how awesome it is for them. So if this is your fantasy …. I’m happy to bark, pant, lick you, and fuck you doggy-style. If you want it anally first, that’s fine with me. If you want to lead me back to the kennel … I’m happy to do it. It would be my reward just to see you get off on your fantasy, ya know?

For what it’s worth, I’m not a flake. Or an asshole.

I am older (34), but you said you didn’t care, so I’m replying anyway. I’m 6′ tall, but you said the suit should fit. I live west of Minneapolis – about 20 minutes from Dinkytown. So that works, too.

All in all, I’m down for playing out your fantasy. πŸ™‚

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The best responses:

1. “Oh hell yes! How about I just end it for him while we bang?”

I asked if he knew how to do that and this was his response: “Yeah I’ll just look it up on the internet. Anyhow, I’d rub your bump in oil, then drape my balls across it for a few. After that, put my c*ck in you slow.. and deep. Balls deep. Then hold it there until I feel you twich a little. Deal?”

2. “Hey seen Ur add n wanted to know if I was the guy u are looking for. I love pregnant sex. I’ve done it b4. Id love to lay behind u hold Ur belly as we slowly have sex I love going down on girls. It’s ok if Ur hairy understandable for have a big sexy belly.”

3. “would you like your a$$hole licked? does your bump need a golden shower? I would love to play with your pregnant bump and give it kisses all night.”

4. “i can show you a great time

my music choices would be… tool, rage, marley, ben harper, michael franti,
phish,string cheese, yonder mountain, dave, cake, sublime, wookiefoot,
oasis…just to name a few.”

I told him I love Phish and that we should pick a long jam for our lovemaking. His response: “maze is my favorite phish song, and it is really long with a lot of good jams! it would be so hot to get wild with that in the back round

i am very very open minded, and kinky as well, so there is nothing i
would not be up for doing
i could totally lick and rub all over your belly
i really really love giving oral, so i hope you like your p*ssy and
ass eaten too… but let me know what you want done to your bump and i
am there

yes i can drive”

5. “One thing that I am an expert at is making women squirt. I can make women have such a stron gorgasm that they ejaculate and I usuallydrink al the c*m. Yum”

6. “do you have any pictures? not sure what i would do with your bump, never been asked that before, most likely i would think of things on the spot. do you get high at all?”

I said I got high and asked what kind of dr*gs he could provide for me to do while pregz.

His response: “do you like speed?”

7. “Ok..I will take care of you..run you and give you the sex you need..now if you change your mind about ending, if you choose to, I will take your son and raise him and you can chose to be in his life if you want..so in the meantime, I can take care of your sexual needs .and afterwards too..please let me know..Paul..how do I get a hold of you?”

8. “Ill shoot my c*m all over your bump and lick your p*ssy”

9. “Can I suckin enjoy ur nipples r ulactating”

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Best Responses:

1. “Hi I am Daniel and would love to come to your treehouse to eat your delicious s’more send a pic”


2. This guy sent a pic of a fat dude in his fifties surrounded by weights:
“OMG..love to eat your p*ssy…until you cumm and cummm omg….wow.

your pics, city, age, cell?..I am very clean no cold soars…love to lick / suck a p*ssy

only been with one lady sexually OK with ya?

when/where”

3. “35yo, 210# 6’7″, very fun guy to hang out with. I love making women scream for more. Especially if you got a s’more down there.

Brock”

4. “Hey babe, interesting fantasy, let me say that I am more than game to help you fulfill it… please let me know if my looks appeal to you; the pics are a few years old, so I’m 45 and have put on some weight in the past couple of years…
thanks,
-Marvin”

5. “Hi,
29 swm, 6’3” dark hair, brown eyes, athletic build, good-looking and d/d free.
I have to say this might be the greatest post I have ever seen.
I would love to be your “Squints” and you can be my Wendy Peffercorn.
I really would love to do this.

Ben”

6. “it’s too bad i’m not pudgy. I am old tho. 49 white male. fit. loved the movie. love s’mores. love p*ssy even more. love making out even more than the rest. I live for goo. all of my favorite things together sounds like nirvana to me. fireplace good too.”

7. “we had a treehouse in the woods when I was young”

8. This guy sent me a photo entitled “funeral.” In it was a fiftyish dude at a funeral parlor in a suit with sunglasses hanging from the front pocket:
“I will do it but you’d have to come to my place in Excelsior.”

9. “I lost a good friend this week and it would be nice to have some fun”