At fourteen I tried to cum on my face. I’d heard word of the fabled facial. Wanted to know the feel of a hot shot. I knew the basics from VHS tapes. On pilfered porn the female acted as dartboard but the only bullseye I had was me. Greasy skin laid over in acne. I didn’t question why this needed to happen. It grew from two innate traits that define me: Part pervert, part curious. So I got to planning. For a fait accompli I’d need a fat load. Volume and force. All in hopes of soaking myself with seed.

I was new to masturbation. An amateur looking to turn pro. As a precursor to the cum shot I tied a grocery bag to the D. Shoelace knot at the base of my cock. The world’s worst condom. The idea was to suck myself off. So I locked legs behind body. Stared down the plastic-wrapped missile. For some reason I was afraid to taste it bare.

For a time I thought my chest acne meant I had AIDS. I’d stay up late scratching in the mirror, praying for this disease to go away. So maybe I didn’t wanna spread sickness to my dick. Who knows why I was afflicted with this prudish impulse. Whatever the cause I could never get my man across the finish line. Could never stick cock to tonsils. Not even to teeth. I was no gymnast. The bag that carried our family’s food was safe for now. Wouldn’t get sucked while tied to a dick. So after self-oral failed I grew smitten with another errant idea: Blow a load on my face.

I did my best to not jack it. Building pressure in the kettle. This was hard as I was pummeled by pubescence. I’d save for days, the need to release growing to a point of pain. Once I had enough I’d go to the bathroom and lay on the ground. Prop legs to air. Point hose to target. Stroke ’til the point of near completion. 99%. Then at the moment of glory I’d wince. I always either chickened out or didn’t have the PSI to trigger a shotgun blast. Cowardice in a moment that called for strength.

Years later I ate my own cum. Fresh load. Farm to table. It was fine. Neither good nor gross. Not tasty enough to try again. To wish I’d soaked my skin with a cum mask.